Tag Archives: vision

A little white lie is still a lie…… it hurts.

So… I screwed up. My wife and I are trying to have a baby, and I had to get some testing done at the Urologist. Now as you know, I love my wife dearly, she is my world, and I would never hurt her on purpose. Well, I f#%k#% up. I paid $250 for my initial fertility consult and couldn’t afford the lab work because it costs so much. At that moment I did not have insurance to pay for it. She asked about it and I told her they took blood when they didn’t.

This week my insurance kicks in and for my second visit all fertility lab work will be done. Hopefully they will have the results before the appointment. I have to go by and pick up a kit.

I would never cheat on my wife as I love her and the kids more than my own life. I have not been dishonest about anything and I am very proud of that fact. This tiny white lie is still a lie no less. It hurt her a lot. I know I messed up, but I did it bc I was ashamed I couldn’t afford the test until I had my insurance. This baby means so much to us both and I just wanted to do more than I could. We have been trying for a few months. My heart was in the right place but the actions were wrong. I admitted to it and accepted responsibility for it. I only hope she will see what I was trying to do.

So my point is this, no matter how insignificant it may be, or how embarrassed you might be, there is never a reason to tell the smallest of lies. Always, always be honest. Lesson learned.

As always, to my wife and kids, I love you. I made a huge error in judgement. I was an idiot, now the world knows as well. Thank you for making me better.

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New Years Resolutions, Are They Unrealistic?

One of the great things about the New Year for most people is that it brings about a fresh start. Many people want to get into better shape physically or financially. Maybe it is to be a better spouse, or to hold yourself more accountable. Whatever your motivation, do not lose sight of accomplishing your goals.

It could be argued that resolutions are unrealistic. Look at any gym for instance. The first three months are the best time for gym owners because they will have such a huge influx of new memberships. Come March, most have lost their direction and given up. Maybe it is because of a bad diet, stress, work, or boredom.

The key is to set your goals for the year. Instead of resolutions, make them goals. They need to be tough enough for you to work at them, but not easy enough for you to barely do anything to accomplish them. If you have a significant other, do them together. It is nice to have someone who will hold you accountable. Plus, you are aligning your relationship and making it stronger. My wife and I did it this weekend, and it was awesome to see we were thinking along the same lines.

Next, build a plan. Use the SMART method. Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely. I like to use mind mapping as well, to make sure I am visualizing things the way I need to, to accomplish my goals. Do whatever works for you though. Write them down. No more than 10 a year. If you accomplish those 10, then make another list. If you write so many down early on, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Once you have the plan you want to follow, it is time to put it into action. Hold yourself accountable. At the same time, make sure there are consequences if you do not stay on track. My wife and I love to eat, (that is a huge problem, especially since she is a such a great cook!), but we have decided if we have a cheat meal before the end of the month, we will ruin our date nights by not having dinner out. This is enough motivation for us. Who wants to have a date night out on the town with no food?!!!!

Record. I cannot express enough how important it is to log everything each day. That way you can see what is working and what is not working. Seeing it is much better than trying to remember it. For example, why did I feel so much stronger on this day, than another day? Was it supplementation, breakfast, or pre-workout?

Finally, re-evaluate. Be flexible and constantly strive to improve. If you hit a wall, so be it. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It means, you need to adjust. As Jocko Willink says, “some good will come from it.”

In the end, whatever the label you decide to use, write it down, plan it, put it into action, record it, and constantly re-evaluate.

I suggest you watch these videos. Things go bad for all of us. It is about perspective, and it can prevent you from reaching your goals. These are my favorite. The mind is a very powerful tool, so use it to your advantage.

As always, thank you.

Discipline- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbQh1ZPG5pc

Good- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdTMDpizis8


Controlling Relationships more thoughts..

Stef gave me some good feedback and I want to add to it. I always asked who, what, when, where, why, and how. I didn’t realize it was breaking her down emotionally and making her a miserable person. I never knew saying don’t do this or that was so bad. Most concerns are not really concerns because they are our own insecurities. 

I love her very much, and my actions reflect those changes I promised her. She is seeing a man on a mission everyday. I am finally her rock. She can count on me to love her the right way and take care of her and the family emotionally and financially. Thank you my love.


Why Men Should Appreciate Their Other half……

 

You should appreciate your other half because:

 

-they put up with your mouth

-they take care of you when you are sick

-they are stronger than you

-if she is pregnant, she made a lung, heart, fingers, limbs…. And you…. Right, nothing!

-they cook

-they clean your clothes

-they listen to you complain when you are having a bad day.

-they are delicate inside and out, but can be as tough as barbed wire if needed.

-they keep us in line when are unable to do so

-they look more and more beautiful as each day passes

-they are understanding and compassionate

-they are kind

-they put things into perspective

-they love you even when you probably do not deserve it

-they take pride in the way they look

-they pour their heart and soul into the relationship

-they appreciate the small things

-they are nurturing

-they are passionate

-they are driven

-they are strong

This list doesn’t begin to scratch the surface as to why men should appreciate their other half, but it does show that woman are more well-rounded and mature than men. Thank you for all the hard work and dedication.

 

 


Speechless……………………………..

This is one of those posts that directly relates to something personal. So, have you ever had one of those days in which nothing can go right? Well guess what…. It has been two days now, and the spiral continues downward.

 

The back story is this: Men, learn to pick and choose your battles. The more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. There is no winning. I found a quote that says, “A woman has the last word in an argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.” The best advice I can give you is to walk away, and don’t keep running your mouth. It doesn’t just make things bad, it escalates from something you can talk about later to pure unadulterated hatred. It is like throwing a 5000 gallon tank of gasoline on a small camp fire….. i.e. BAD DECISION!!!!!!!!

 

In my case, there is no excuse. I just simply messed up. I kept on talking when I should have just walked away. Sometimes you just have to take the beating. There is nothing you can say or do. You are not going to be right, even when you are right. You can do everything perfect, and it doesn’t matter. In my case, I cleaned the house so she could just relax today. Did it help? Probably…..Instead, this morning I wanted to talk and that was just not acceptable (especially since it was her only day off this week). By our own natural instincts, men want to fix things, but when it comes to woman,  it takes time. Men have an off and on button. We can just let things go with in the next 10 minutes if we just talk about it. Women do not work that way at all. They will bring up anything and everything to hurt you because they are hurting at that moment. It doesn’t make it right, and most of it is said in emotion. Stef has told me on more than one occasion to just walk away.  You would think I learned my lesson.

 

In the end, just admit you are wrong, Lord knows I put two feet, a trunk, and a wheelbarrow in my mouth. Always talk with love and compassion about an issue that is bothering you. I have to admit, it is a tough line to walk. If I am wrong I have no issues apologizing. So guess what….. I am sorry for not using good judgement, common sense, and rational behavior. Instead, I used poor judgement, talked like an ape, and looked like a piece a crap.

 

I will leave you with a quote from Clifford Adams, “Silence is never more golden than when a quarrel is brewing.”

 

As always, thank you honey for loving me, being patient, and showing restraint. I am a better man because of you. I love you.

 

 

 

 

 


Conflict Resolution or Conflict Management?

Let’s be honest, most people are afraid of conflict. The do not like the uneasy feeling that comes over them. They do not want to ruffle feathers or cause the other person to explode. Some people actually have to walk a very fine line to make sure their spouse does not flip out. People do just enough to move on to another day, and they never address the root of the issue. This is true in relationships, work environments, or war. Instead of resolving conflict, they chose to manage it by balancing beliefs, sanity, and self-control. It is not an easy thing to do, and it can take a toll on you.

What is conflict? The Coalition Foundation (2015) defines conflict as a “struggle or contest between people with opposing need, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals.”  Conflict results because there is some form of miscommunication between people with regards to opposing needs, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals. I think we all would agree, the biggest and most frustrating problem with conflict is miscommunication. We are stuck to our cell phones and emails more than ever, and it is extremely easy to be a “telephone tough guy” and say things that are condescending and degrading. In reality, text and emails have no voice. It is left to the reader to predict how the other person said what they sent. In their head, they think they know the tone of the writer, which couldn’t be further than the truth. I know I am guilty of this myself. However, when we talk face to face, the confrontation is greatly decreased because the tone is nothing like we thought.

The University of Peace (2005) defines conflict management as the effort to prevent the escalation of violence and its negative effects on conflict. USAID, “Training of Trainers Manual,” outlines several issues managers of conflict need to understand in order to properly implement conflict management principals. First, it is important to understand the underlying issues of the conflict. This provides direction and understanding for the stakeholders involved. In this context, it is necessary to examine the cultural background and experiences of the stakeholders to ensure neutrality. Second, there are different types of relationships which could occur during the process. Questions such as: Is there a connection? What type of alliance is there? What is the direction of power or influence? Are there broken relationships? Is there discord and why? In most conflicts power is the single most important element because it affects the dynamics of the relationships or conflict the most, and to successfully analyze and provide solutions, practitioners need to understand uses of power because it can be confusing.

In contrast, Miller and King (2005) define conflict management as an “interventionist effort to prevent conflict and violence,” while providing no structured method to resolve conflict. Instead, resolving conflict requires a flexible approach to finding a resolution to problems. Conflict management does not hold that all conflicts can be resolved. Instead, conflict management focuses on decreasing the level of non-productivity. This can be accomplished by having the skills needed to navigate into conflict resolution, including self-awareness about the conflict modes, understanding a variety of communications skills, and by establishing some form of structure to manage the conflict. Spangler (2003) believes conflict management is the control of deep-rooted conflict and resolution is possible if the right tools are applied. However, conflict management requires engaging in a manner that is “more constructive and less destructive.” The ultimate goal for any conflict is to intervene in such a way that makes the ongoing conflict “more beneficial and less damaging.” Best (2005) further believes conflict management is the process of reducing negativity through a variety of measures.

 

What does this mean?  Is managing conflict or resolving the conflict the right process for you and your circumstance. If you are in a relationship /marriage, I would highly suggest to pick and choose your battles. In my professional opinion, you must always be completely honest, and never speak out of emotion.  Conflict resolution is a must for major issues affecting the dynamics of the relationship and both parties’ feelings. Leave managing conflict for smaller items. While the ultimate goal is a win-win solution, the reality is it will not always occur.

 

In the end, there is no easy way to handle conflicts. Both parties’ must be willing to engage constructively. In relationships, both persons need to engage without emotion by setting boundaries. Some items may need to be tabled, so each person has time to think about things, then reengage at a later time. Ultimately, everyone wants to come away feeling like they had a hand in the decision making process.

 

 

 


Why? / How?

Life is a tough road, so when it seems to be falling apart we tend to ask ourselves why me? There ups and down, personal challenges, adversity, family and professional issues, relationships, health concerns, and financial issues. Now add terminal illness, losing a job or loved one, and the weight can be too heavy for some.

There is a problem with asking why and how. On one hand, if you are like me, I seek answers through questions. I try to find understanding, direction, and resolution with these words. When things are going bad, I can usually find the cause or root of the situation by asking myself why or how. They provide a roadmap for what has happened. I am able to find clarity by tracing my foot steps and the events that led up to the current situation. On the other hand, it can be seen as a form of interrogation. I am a firm believer if you have nothing to hide, then these are simple questions. Others believe there is no need to ask questions if you fully trust the other person. Find the reassurance you need, and move forward by providing what the other needs respectfully. A solution produced by both people are equally rewarding.

How ands why can help you find direction and resolution as it prevents mistake from happening again. It narrows your focus and minimizes distractions that could lead you down that road again. I have probably made more mistakes than most during my life. When I asked myself why and how, I was able to change the behaviors rapidly. I finally understood what was going on and why. Moreover, I was able to finally be the man I always wanted to be. I didn’t blame anyone else for my misfortune. I took responsibility for my actions and made drastic changes. This occurred in two instances: improving the kind of person I was and financially.

What most people forget when things go bad is they usually could have prevented what just occurred. We can control most of the things in our lives, but we still make bad choices and bad decisions. We learn from our mistakes in most cases, but there is a small handful of people that continue the vicious cycle because they lack the motivation to change. You cannot dwell or beat yourself up about things you cannot control, i.e. loss of a loved one or terminal illness. This is easier said than done I know. I lost my Grandmother and my best friend within 3 months of each other.

In the end, why and how are powerful questions. They can provide you with options, understanding, and freedom. Do not use them as an interrogation tool, rather for understanding and clarity. You may need to reword what you are asking when talking to a loved one. Always seek to be better than the day before. Always seek to love better than the day before.


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