Tag Archives: success

Turning the corner or being complacent in 2019

happy new year decorative plate
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Today is the start of another year. It is a time to reflect, reorganize, and decide how to approach the new year. It feels like spring time in a way because you get that warm and fuzzy feeling all over again. What ever happened in 2018 doesn’t matter anymore because it is 2019, and there is time to make yourself a better you.

I am excited about this year because we have two big goals set in place. We have a plan, and it is in motion. On a personal level, I want to be healthy and continue to move forward professionally. Each day brings a new opportunity to improve yourself. Take advantage of the new year and do not get in a rut. One of the biggest things a see people do, and I am guilty of it myself, is we start out full steam ahead, then about three months into it, we fall back into the old habits because it is easy. Set realistic goals. Make them tough enough so you must work for them in order to be successful. Do not let anything get in your way. The only thing stopping you is you.

Another problem I see is people not able to let go of the past or get so caught up in the moment that they lose focus on the goals they have set. The past is the past for a reason. You cannot and will never be that person again so move on. Do not let distractions deter you any longer. Build the future with the same passion you have with trying to hold on to the past. You will have those memories forever and they will never be replaced. Remember you are building new memories, and you may miss out if you are so blinded by the past.

Road bumps, they are going to happen. Deal with it, get over it, and move forward. I had one three days ago, and I saw it as a huge roadblock before we even got started on the goals we set. We made a compromise, and we put stipulations in place. Now it is a win-win situation for everyone.

Finally, you own everything you do or do not do. Remember one of Jocko’s best quotes, “Discipline equals freedom.” Happy New Year and good luck.

 

 


Controlling Relationships more thoughts..

Stef gave me some good feedback and I want to add to it. I always asked who, what, when, where, why, and how. I didn’t realize it was breaking her down emotionally and making her a miserable person. I never knew saying don’t do this or that was so bad. Most concerns are not really concerns because they are our own insecurities. 

I love her very much, and my actions reflect those changes I promised her. She is seeing a man on a mission everyday. I am finally her rock. She can count on me to love her the right way and take care of her and the family emotionally and financially. Thank you my love.


Conflict Resolution or Conflict Management?

Let’s be honest, most people are afraid of conflict. The do not like the uneasy feeling that comes over them. They do not want to ruffle feathers or cause the other person to explode. Some people actually have to walk a very fine line to make sure their spouse does not flip out. People do just enough to move on to another day, and they never address the root of the issue. This is true in relationships, work environments, or war. Instead of resolving conflict, they chose to manage it by balancing beliefs, sanity, and self-control. It is not an easy thing to do, and it can take a toll on you.

What is conflict? The Coalition Foundation (2015) defines conflict as a “struggle or contest between people with opposing need, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals.”  Conflict results because there is some form of miscommunication between people with regards to opposing needs, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals. I think we all would agree, the biggest and most frustrating problem with conflict is miscommunication. We are stuck to our cell phones and emails more than ever, and it is extremely easy to be a “telephone tough guy” and say things that are condescending and degrading. In reality, text and emails have no voice. It is left to the reader to predict how the other person said what they sent. In their head, they think they know the tone of the writer, which couldn’t be further than the truth. I know I am guilty of this myself. However, when we talk face to face, the confrontation is greatly decreased because the tone is nothing like we thought.

The University of Peace (2005) defines conflict management as the effort to prevent the escalation of violence and its negative effects on conflict. USAID, “Training of Trainers Manual,” outlines several issues managers of conflict need to understand in order to properly implement conflict management principals. First, it is important to understand the underlying issues of the conflict. This provides direction and understanding for the stakeholders involved. In this context, it is necessary to examine the cultural background and experiences of the stakeholders to ensure neutrality. Second, there are different types of relationships which could occur during the process. Questions such as: Is there a connection? What type of alliance is there? What is the direction of power or influence? Are there broken relationships? Is there discord and why? In most conflicts power is the single most important element because it affects the dynamics of the relationships or conflict the most, and to successfully analyze and provide solutions, practitioners need to understand uses of power because it can be confusing.

In contrast, Miller and King (2005) define conflict management as an “interventionist effort to prevent conflict and violence,” while providing no structured method to resolve conflict. Instead, resolving conflict requires a flexible approach to finding a resolution to problems. Conflict management does not hold that all conflicts can be resolved. Instead, conflict management focuses on decreasing the level of non-productivity. This can be accomplished by having the skills needed to navigate into conflict resolution, including self-awareness about the conflict modes, understanding a variety of communications skills, and by establishing some form of structure to manage the conflict. Spangler (2003) believes conflict management is the control of deep-rooted conflict and resolution is possible if the right tools are applied. However, conflict management requires engaging in a manner that is “more constructive and less destructive.” The ultimate goal for any conflict is to intervene in such a way that makes the ongoing conflict “more beneficial and less damaging.” Best (2005) further believes conflict management is the process of reducing negativity through a variety of measures.

 

What does this mean?  Is managing conflict or resolving the conflict the right process for you and your circumstance. If you are in a relationship /marriage, I would highly suggest to pick and choose your battles. In my professional opinion, you must always be completely honest, and never speak out of emotion.  Conflict resolution is a must for major issues affecting the dynamics of the relationship and both parties’ feelings. Leave managing conflict for smaller items. While the ultimate goal is a win-win solution, the reality is it will not always occur.

 

In the end, there is no easy way to handle conflicts. Both parties’ must be willing to engage constructively. In relationships, both persons need to engage without emotion by setting boundaries. Some items may need to be tabled, so each person has time to think about things, then reengage at a later time. Ultimately, everyone wants to come away feeling like they had a hand in the decision making process.

 

 

 


Why? / How?

Life is a tough road, so when it seems to be falling apart we tend to ask ourselves why me? There ups and down, personal challenges, adversity, family and professional issues, relationships, health concerns, and financial issues. Now add terminal illness, losing a job or loved one, and the weight can be too heavy for some.

There is a problem with asking why and how. On one hand, if you are like me, I seek answers through questions. I try to find understanding, direction, and resolution with these words. When things are going bad, I can usually find the cause or root of the situation by asking myself why or how. They provide a roadmap for what has happened. I am able to find clarity by tracing my foot steps and the events that led up to the current situation. On the other hand, it can be seen as a form of interrogation. I am a firm believer if you have nothing to hide, then these are simple questions. Others believe there is no need to ask questions if you fully trust the other person. Find the reassurance you need, and move forward by providing what the other needs respectfully. A solution produced by both people are equally rewarding.

How ands why can help you find direction and resolution as it prevents mistake from happening again. It narrows your focus and minimizes distractions that could lead you down that road again. I have probably made more mistakes than most during my life. When I asked myself why and how, I was able to change the behaviors rapidly. I finally understood what was going on and why. Moreover, I was able to finally be the man I always wanted to be. I didn’t blame anyone else for my misfortune. I took responsibility for my actions and made drastic changes. This occurred in two instances: improving the kind of person I was and financially.

What most people forget when things go bad is they usually could have prevented what just occurred. We can control most of the things in our lives, but we still make bad choices and bad decisions. We learn from our mistakes in most cases, but there is a small handful of people that continue the vicious cycle because they lack the motivation to change. You cannot dwell or beat yourself up about things you cannot control, i.e. loss of a loved one or terminal illness. This is easier said than done I know. I lost my Grandmother and my best friend within 3 months of each other.

In the end, why and how are powerful questions. They can provide you with options, understanding, and freedom. Do not use them as an interrogation tool, rather for understanding and clarity. You may need to reword what you are asking when talking to a loved one. Always seek to be better than the day before. Always seek to love better than the day before.


Why Are We Here?

We are here because we chose to be here. We are here because we saw something good, pure, and honest. We are here because we chose to be together when we could have went our separate ways. We are here because we believe in each other, we support each other, and we love each other. We are here because we are a team. We are here because we believe no one could love us better. We are here because we are each other’s everything.

 

There is conflict all around us in every aspect of life. Every choice, decision, and action has consequences. The way we listen to the others concerns, and respond to their concerns can either bring you closer or widen the distance. You should want to know why the person feels the way they do, and take steps to make them feel more secure. Getting angry, belittling, or calling names is not the answer. It has the opposite effect.

 

Communication is critical because you have to make sure you are both on the same page. Your goals need to be aligned. Set 1, 3, and 5 year bench marks and make sure you revisit those goals often. Pay off your debt as a team. While you see the world from two different lenses, coming together as one to resolve issues breeds happiness and self-worth as stake holders in the bigger picture. It is not about you, it is about the other person. Compromising doesn’t mean you have given in to the other person. It means together you have created a win-win solution, meeting the needs for all parties involved. Moreover, it is about putting aside your pride, being humble, always being completely honest, and empathetic. The result are feelings of security, happiness, peace, satisfaction, and inspiration (Blackburn, n.d).

 

Relationships and marriages take work, but the rewards for your efforts are priceless. Positivity breeds positive thoughts, emotions, feelings, and a renewed since of being. Do not take each other for granted. Speak often about your feelings for one another. In the end, “Live, Love, & Laugh”.

 

 


Fireproof

Yesterday showed me just how wrong I have been, when I thought I was actually right about everything. I genuinely thought in my mind I was doing everything, everyday the right way. I am faithful, loyal, committed, passionately in love with my bride, and I always do whatever I can for her in order to take the burden off her shoulders. Boy, was I wrong! Relationships take work, time, and commitment. Until you uncover the root cause of the issues you as an individual are facing, you will continue to have problems. I never thought I was the one who had problems. I just needed her to listen to my concerns. This was the wrong approach to take.

 

We watched Fireproof as a family. If you care at all about your marriage or your relationship, then it is a movie to watch. Moreover, there are online resources to utilize to help you in this journey. It is a very emotional process, and it makes you face tough issues, but is it the best thing out there for truly understanding how to love one another. It is for serious people who genuinely care about their significant other and their relationship. This is something you can do together, so throw your heart and soul into it, and never look back. I will always “study” her, and I will always do what I can every single day to show her how much I love her. The movie showed me that I never knew how to love myself, so how could I love her properly, if I couldn’t understand how to do so?

 

It is about faith and religion, and its application is geared towards whatever higher being you believe in. Additionally, I realized I cannot shoulder everything. I need guidance. While I thought I was doing everything in my power to meet her needs, I was failing in some aspects which were sensitive for us to discuss and probably the most important. Open and honest communication is necessary in any relationship, so put your pride aside, watch, actively listen, and put a plan into action together. This is a lifestyle change, not just a fix. You will see that both of you will reap the rewards by loving and growing with each other more than you ever thought possible.

 

As in all things I do, thank you for honey for loving me, being patient, and for all you do. This is for you and girls.


New Year and a Fresh Start

Many people look at the beginning of the year as a catalyst to start over. It is an opportunity to accomplish things that were not done the year before. Many people want to get into better shape, eat better, become financially sound, accomplish certain resolutions, or just be a better person. Whatever your reason, do not let anyone deter you from accomplishing your goals. You are older, wiser, and savvier than the year before. Try looking at things from a different perspective, love with all your heart, and live life to the fullest with people who love you the most. The past is just that, the past, and it is the past for a reason. Learn from your mistakes, correct the worse things about yourself, and be proactive instead of reactive. Constantly putting stuff off accomplishes nothing, so have the discipline and vision to get things done. Constantly hold yourself accountable, admit when you are wrong, and work on your communication skills. Exercise, eat right, find emotional stability within yourself, and feed your brain with knowledge. Do not let failure get in your way. Instead, embrace it. Push forward over any speed bumps, and surround yourself with people you trust and who will encourage you. Negativity is the root of failure. Constantly strive to distance yourself from those things that will prevent you from accomplishing your goals. In the end, each second wasted is a second of your life you will never get back again.


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