Tag Archives: personal conflict

Controlling Relationships more thoughts..

Stef gave me some good feedback and I want to add to it. I always asked who, what, when, where, why, and how. I didn’t realize it was breaking her down emotionally and making her a miserable person. I never knew saying don’t do this or that was so bad. Most concerns are not really concerns because they are our own insecurities. 

I love her very much, and my actions reflect those changes I promised her. She is seeing a man on a mission everyday. I am finally her rock. She can count on me to love her the right way and take care of her and the family emotionally and financially. Thank you my love.

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Controlling Relationships

This is a special article because it will be broken down into two parts. Part I will include my persepective, my mistakes, my regrets, and my conviction to correct my old problem for the rest of my life. Part II will include my other halfs perspective from her own words. We hope the reader can a better understanding the importance to openly communicate to one another so this does not happen. Relationships are worth fighting for especially when you genueinly love each other.

I honestly did not realize the damage I was doing until I got slapped in the face with the consequences of my actions. I thought I was protecting myself from being hurt when actually I was hurting us. Instead of bringing us closer together I was pushing her away. I thought she understood that I was trying to protect my family, trying to protect her, trying to do the right things as a man, father, and husband. I always take responsibility for my actions….. boy was I so incredibly wrong about doing things right. There is no doubt about how much I love my wife or kids, nor a shadow of doubt to my level of commitment to her and our family. I have never loved or appreciated anything so much. I often tell her how much the best place in the world is when I am holding her, and looking into her eyes. 

Guys listen up, step up and be a real man. Do not make the mistakes I did. You have to trust her. I always have but I wasn’t showing it because I was always getting upset about stupid stuff. She would stay over to talk to a female friend, my mind said it was a male. She wanted to work extra to pay a bill, my mind, she doesn’t want to spend time with me, and there is no way I want her to work her full time job extra. The proper thing to do is say hey honey I understand let’s figure it out together. Do not ever say you can’t or don’t!!!! Don’t do this or that, don’t wear this or that. Instead, express and voice your concerns. She and I are the worse about crap getting in our heads. However, we need each other but not in a demeaning way. We just love each other that much. Any concerns you may have do not say them over text!!!!!!! OMG!!! Text comes across the wrong way when you do not need them too every single time!!! Another example..Don’t go here or there. Instead, explain your concerns and move on. Things have to get done, and you cannot win every battle. I believe in transparency, but it goes far beyond this when you say you can’t or don’t. Asking not to do something is totally different, just make sure you have a good reason and not because of some crap in your head.

How did I feel? Like a total failure. I am sorry. However, this time my actions reflect my words. I have always been sincere in my apologies, but now that I truly understand finally, my actions will show it. My insecurities did this. I had no reason to be insecure. I am smart, educated, handsome (yes her words!!! Lol), and loving. She is my best friend and she loves me!!!! Why in the hell was I ever insecure?!!! Because I was an idiot. She loves me with all her heart, she trusts me, and she believes in me. 

We have financial issues like anyone else. However, we created debt together. We were strapped. Always be honest with your money issues. Pull your weight and work together because you are a partnership. Moving forward, I am doing all I can to reduce the income problems we have had. I will not be a supporter, I will be a provider.

What is my biggest regret? Hurting the only person in my life that I have ever truly loved. I never knew how not to be controlling. I never knew I wasn’t listening and it almost cost me everything. When you get hit with reality that your ass is losing everything and you have no control, you make life altering changes very quickly. You suck up your pride, step up, and be the man she knew was inside you, and you love her the way she has always wanted you too. I will never be that guy again.
My conviction and my only purpose is to do what we need for our family. I will love her the right way, I will get rid of our debt, and I will step up and be the man of the house. When I put articles out here it’s not just empty words. It is about accountability. It is our there for the world to see. There is no failure. I made her a few promises I will keep. First, changed behavior. I will lead by my actions. Second, I will always be a loving and supportive husband and father. Third, 1/2 to 3/4 of our credit card debt will be gone, and she will not have to work full time after the beginning of the year. I know, big promises. Well, guess what? I am keeping them all. 

In the end of Part I…. love your spouse do not be controlling. To easy! Stef will provide her perspective this week, and she will not hold back! I actually love that about her. 

Always fight for your family, but do it in way that is loving and enduring. It has made us better, brought us closer than ever before, and we appreciate things about each other so much more. I hate it happened, but if it makes my life with her better then I will go through hell and back. She deserves the best from me, and she has it because she showed me how not to be controlling just as I showed her how to love. It is a partnership.

 I love you more than anything on this earth. I trust you and I believe in you. I am your biggest fan and supporter. You gave me life when I had no air, you gave me hope when I lost hope in this world, and you love me and see good and greatness in me when I was too blind too. I will forever be changed for you, I will always put your needs before my own insecurities, and I will always love you the way you need me too. You are the greatest woman in the world. Your body drips with beauty, and I am the luckiest man in the world. I love you. As every minute passes when you are not in my arms I ache without you. I am so thankful and in love with you… thank you for making me a better man, father, and husband. 


Turning Point

In each of our lives there is a turning point. It usually comes when we have been slapped in the face by an event so brutal we have to make a change. We have to decide if we are going to move forward, or if we are willing to lose those close to us. It is in these moments we can completely change who we are or we can continue on a path of self destruction and pain.

 

When you decide to change, throw yourself into it. Be the person you always knew you could be. Be honest, loyal, caring, passionate, and loving. Life is about our relationships with those who completely love us with all their hearts. Love them back, and embrace them every chance you get like it will be the last time you will ever see them. When you do not give yourself totally to the process, you not only let yourself down, you let those who gave you a chance down. Moreover, you will never know the relationships full potential.

 

What does a turning point represent? It represents a new beginning, and it is one of the greatest moments in your life because it is your transition from being selfish to being selfless. Priorities change. You no longer worry about your own needs, and you put the needs of your significant other before your own. Things that meant most to you take a back seat to spending time with those you love the most. Your behavior changes drastically because there is nothing you would ever do to cause the other person a once of pain. Instead, you work, tirelessly to show them every day you are the person you now claim to be. Old behaviors do not exist. You have been reborn and someone has given you an opportunity to take their hand and experience life filled with love, joy, and happiness. The ultimate sign of the turning point is asking someone to marry you. You are clearly saying that there is nothing in this world I love or cherish more than you. You are my everything, and you are the sole person on this planet I have chosen to be with.

 

When someone talks to you about getting married, there should be no doubt in your mind this person truly loves you. The honorable thing to do is to be honest about your feelings. Either you really hope they will marry you and you commit your life to them, or be honest and tell them the truth. Nothing is more embarrassing or painful than when someone wants to get married only to find out the other person is still into games like lying, cheating, texting, and meeting other people. Throw yourself into the new you, never look back, and let that person love you like there is no tomorrow.

 

The turning point is about personal growth, and the appreciation of life. It is about appreciating someone who has picked you out of a sea of people in the world to spend the rest of their life with on this planet. Show them everyday you are capable of earning and deserving their love. If you do, I can assure you that the happiest days of your life lay ahead of you.

 

 

James Joyce said, “Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star.”

 


Forgiveness

In broken relationships and marriages, forgiveness is probably the hardest thing to do when the person you trusted has hurt you. Revenge becomes your immediate goal instead of trying to understand, fix, and heal. When trust is lost, it takes a huge amount of work to get it back, but it is not impossible. It takes work, dedication, and consistency to get through it. However, no matter how hard you work, if the other person cannot forgive you, then you will never move forward.

Why is forgiveness important? To those who believe in the Bible, it states, “to err is human and to forgive is divine.” Forgiveness starts the healing process, and it allows those involved to rebuild their relationship if they choose to do so. Forgiveness does not condone any thing, but it is the initial step to move forward, leaving behind the hate and pain. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It promotes strength and health, and it gets rid of the depression and hatred. The key is once you have been forgiven, you learn from it and change your behavior forever.

After forgiveness has been established, trust has to be restored. Allwomentalk.com provides 9 ways to help rebuild trust. 1. Admit your mistakes. 2. Be humble 3. Have patience 4. Noticeable changes 5. Don’t forget the little things 6. Never, never lie!- I cannot overstate the importance of lying. You cannot move forward if you continue to lie. It causes more hatred, more issues of mistrust, it damages your integrity, it damages your relationship, and you could end up losing the best person who has ever walked into your life. 7. Keep your issues private- There is no need to tell your kids, your friends, family, or anyone else except a relationship professional about what is going on. Many times the people you think you can trust will have alterative motives, and they will try to persuade you to think and act a certain way to meet their own personal agenda. 8. Be thoughtful 9. Do not make the same mistake twice.

Forgiveness is a process, and it is not as easy as cutting the lights on or off. There are a lot of emotions, but if two people are committed to one another, they can get through it TOGETHER. There is another side of forgiveness I would like to mention. There seems to be some confusion that when someone forgives, they are condoning the behavior of the other person. In contrast, what is really happening is the person forgiving no longer is ACTING like the victim. I am not saying they are not the victim per se, but they have decided to not act like one… i.e. revenge, more lying, bringing up the past, depression, or threat of suicide. They have decided to give the person and the relationship an honest chance at rebuilding. In many cases, the forgiveness brings them closer together and makes them stronger. More than anything it provides a wider lens and perspective to past, current, and future events.

In the end, only you can decide if you want to continue to live in misery and despair, or you can forgive, learn from it, and make yourself and the relationship better. To reiterate, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. Instead, it is a sign of strength, fortitude, and resiliency. Reinhold Niebuhr said it best, “forgiveness is the final form of love.”


Relationships

Relationships have many faces. They can be fun, exciting, kind, loving, and passionate, but they can also be destructive. Lying, cheating, back stabbing, and no emotional, psychological, or physical support, can lead a relationship down a path of destruction. So when do you let go? When do you finally say, I can no longer do this because I deserve better.

 

As you know, a couple of months ago I found myself at a crossroad in my life. I could continue on the course I was on, or I could turn the corner and be all I knew I could be as a man. It was time to grow up, always do the right thing, live my life by the values my parents brought me up on, and be proud of who I am. Relationships are the same way. Give all you can each and every day. Love with all your heart, and never take the other person for granted. ALWAYS be honest no matter the pain it will cause, because lying in any form builds distrust, and it causes far more pain than just being honest. A relationship will not work if only one of you is being honest. It will not work if you are not forgiving each other for past mistakes, and it will not work if you cannot commit and understand each others needs.

 

Never leave a relationship because of another person. You decided to enter a relationship with this person for some reason. Your time is valuable and so is theirs, so make every minute worth both of your time. In the end, if it fails, you both gave it all you could, and you tried with all your heart to make it work. However, do not give up when times get tough. Nothing worth having is easy. There will be times you will not agree. Open and honest communication is the key to finding resolution in any situation and / or conflict.

 

If the person you are with is not meeting your needs, move on. Sometimes they make the decision for you based on their behavior. What I have found is that I am a fighter. We all make mistakes, but the problem arises when you do not correct the self destructive behavior. It is disrespectful to the other person in the relationship who is giving you all they have in everyway possible, yet you are unwilling to hold up your part. What makes it worse is when they look you in the eyes, and they say they understand, and yet they continue to lie. It is cowardly and unacceptable behavior. If you want to be a good person, then be one. If you want to truly change, then change. If you want someone to love you with every fiber of their being, then reciprocate that love in a manner fitting to deserve that same kind of love in return.

 

In the end, relationships only work when you both are willing to give 100 percent, 100 percent of the time. There are no breaks, no down time, and no, I just don’t feel like it today. They take work and commitment every single day. Both of you deserve reassurance from time to time, especially when you are having a tough day. The strongest relationships last because no matter the setting or the circumstance, the other person is all that matters. The selflessness of completely giving all of your self to someone, and showing them your vulnerability, is priceless. No matter who is around you or who is in a room, there is nothing more beautiful or handsome than your significant other. You find yourself falling in love with them all over again. When you ache to be with that person, no matter the circumstance, you will know without a doubt that is the person for you. This is especially true as the newness goes away, and the weeks become years. Relationships are an incredible thing, enjoy the journey and the process, just be respectful, open, and honest about your feelings.


Overcoming Fears

Great article… thought I would republish it again. 

Fear is a strong adversary for most people because it makes us confront our biggest demons. Some examples include: performance issues, bad relationships, fear of animals, drowning, death, or the unknown. Fear keeps us on our toes, our head on a swivel, and forces us to do things that are other wise uncomfortable. In contrast, it is a heavy burden. Our fears can have catastrophic consequences in our lives if we let it. It can play mind games, it can paint false imagines in our minds, it can be controlling, it can ruin the best of relationships, and it can drive you insane if you let it. Some people call it a mind-killer.

 

Fear is defined as: “a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid”

~online dictionary

The psychology dictionary goes on to say there is no real external reason to be fearful because everything is in anticipation of a future menace we may or may not face.

 

Fear is very real though because it occurs when the brain releases high levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, activating the sympathetic nervous system, other wise known as the, “fight or flight” system in our body.  Unfortunately, fear can lead to psychological trauma if not controlled. There is a lot more to this involving a multi step process with different parts of the brain, but it will not be covered in this post.

 

How can we overcome fears? Research has concluded there are four steps a person can take to confront fears.

 

  1. There must be some form of goal setting. This helps provide structure to chaos. From the fear of public speaking, to the fear of a fire fight, goal setting provides understanding for what is about to take place. What do you want to accomplish and why?
  2. Utilize visualization or what some people call a mental rehearsal. This makes those fears more realistic, so it is not the first time you have seen or dealt with the problem. Professional athletes use these techniques to perform better because they can actually see themselves performing to the highest level possible before game time.
  3. Be positive because it will help override the fear, and self talk provides focus. When your thoughts are positive, your mind is positive. The people around you feel that positivity, and they want to be apart of it. While fear has the potential to prevent you from accomplishing your dreams, positivity helps accomplish them. It provides a form of motivation.
  4. Slow down your breathing, especially during exhalation because this is when we have arousal control. Even when things are going to pieces all around you, take a step back, breathe, and get back into the fight. When you breathe heavily you create low levels of carbon dioxide in the blood. In other words, you have too much oxygen. This creates problems such as dizziness, confusion, and less than optimal focus. All of these relate back to our ability to see things clearly.

 

In conclusion, think about the first time you tried something new, and you weren’t sure what to expect. The fear of the unknown in life or in combat can cause you to make poor decisions because it is the first time you have had to deal with the situation. The military has a saying, “slow is smooth, smooth is fast, fast is deadly.” In our rush to confront things due to fear and anxiety, we make poor decisions. Some of these can lead to hurting others, hurting ourselves by not taking the time to think about things, or running through a variety of possible scenarios to help us be better prepared if something should take place. Slow down, take your time, practice these control and overcoming fear techniques; it might just save you and those around you some unneeded pain.

 

 


Admitting when you are wrong

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I have hurt a lot of people. There is no excuse for it, and I take full responsibility for it. In 44 years of my life, I have been blaming others for my inadequacies; I have blamed others for not reaching my goals, and not doing the right thing. I am not a law breaker, I don’t do drugs, and I very rarely drink if any. My life compared to most is pretty boring you might say. I have never owned a house, and I have lived outside of my means, living pay check to pay check, with nothing more to show than debt. I have always felt like a failure, but what I have managed to see is that it is my own fault. I have no one else to blame. The decisions I have made were my own. More than anything, I had to forgive my self, which is a hard burden to shoulder.

 

Now, I have focus, now I have a support system that encourages me. I am a better man, and every person that comes into my life serves a purpose, to make me a better person. In other words, I have goals, plans, and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish. It is about the process, and it is about learning what to do and what not to do. At the end of the day, it is about being better than the day before. I will never take advantage of anyone, I will never intentionally hurt anyone, and I will do my best each day to live life to the fullest.

 

I am not looking for anything from anyone, I am just saying regardless of who you are we all make mistakes. I have tried all my life to do it all alone, and I can no longer do it. I am doing things the right way, trying my best to live by the words I write. In the next few months you will start to learn more about me, my life, the people in it, and how we all can relate to one another. There will be some really good things to come out of this transition, and I hope you will be apart of this journey.


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