Tag Archives: peace

Controlling Relationships more thoughts..

Stef gave me some good feedback and I want to add to it. I always asked who, what, when, where, why, and how. I didn’t realize it was breaking her down emotionally and making her a miserable person. I never knew saying don’t do this or that was so bad. Most concerns are not really concerns because they are our own insecurities. 

I love her very much, and my actions reflect those changes I promised her. She is seeing a man on a mission everyday. I am finally her rock. She can count on me to love her the right way and take care of her and the family emotionally and financially. Thank you my love.


When Your Spouse is having a Bad Day

There are those days that no matter what you do, you are going to be wrong. Let’s be honest, we all have had a bad day. You wake up grumpy and fussy, and no matter how well intended the actions of your spouse may be, you get more agitated. To make matters worse, we take them extremely personal, and it makes things even worse. It could be hormonal, insecurity, or just having a generally bad day.

 

Relationships are partnerships. You are committed to one another. You do not threaten one another, call names, or put each other down. Instead, you become the rock the other person needs. The most successful relationships have several common factors. Marissa Laliberte, author of 11 Signs You Can Trust Your Partner, believes you should be open and vulnerable. When you or your spouse are having a bad day, you just need to sit back and listen to them vent. No matter the topic, just listen. It seems as though active listening is a lost art form, and more couples are willing to give in and throw away their relationships.

 

Shaunti Feldhahn, social researcher and author of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference, believes being able to be honest and open about your feelings is one of the biggest signs you can trust one another. When a person is allowed to express their feelings and concerns without judgement and without being put down, it brings you closer as a couple. “Openness and vulnerability in conversation—their willingness to really open up their heart and share what they’re really thinking, even if it puts them at risk for ridicule and being criticized for you—that is a scary thing in a lot of relationships.” “There’s trust if they’re willing to talk about things, give you details, sometimes share additional details, and have no hesitations,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, co-author of Snap Strategies for Couples: 40 Fast Fixes for Everyday Relationship Pitfalls. Go out of your way to put them at ease because it shows you care enough about them to put them first. They are a priority to you, and it is a significant show of intimacy.

 

If it hormonal………………………. GOOD LUCK! Nothing, and I mean nothing you do is going to be right. Just suck it up, and go above and beyond. Just say yes dear, I love you, how can I make your day better.

 

Study your spouse every day. Learn what their expectations are, and what makes them happy and sad. Be careful how you articulate things. Admit when you are wrong. If you make a mistake, big or small, just admit to it. It shows you are responsible. Furthermore, it shows you are not afraid to let the other person in, and it goes a long way to show you are not lying and hiding things.

 

If insecurity is a reason, then you have to work together and really take the extra step and let them know how much you love them. When you are driving or when you are not able to check your phone, ask your significant other to answer it, or check to see if there are any messages. It goes to show they can trust you because you have nothing to hide. You could switch phones for a week or two. It will go a long way to develop trust.

 

In the end, just be sympathetic. When we have a bad day, we say things we really do not mean. No need to take it personal, just make sure you apologize, and tell them how much you love them. Just ride it out, and remember tomorrow is a new day. There are no excuses, so take responsibility for your actions. Do something sweet and romantic for them to show them you care. Run a bath, fix dinner, candles, soft music, leave little notes or flowers. It is the little things that mean the most.


Speechless……………………………..

This is one of those posts that directly relates to something personal. So, have you ever had one of those days in which nothing can go right? Well guess what…. It has been two days now, and the spiral continues downward.

 

The back story is this: Men, learn to pick and choose your battles. The more you try to fix it, the worse it gets. There is no winning. I found a quote that says, “A woman has the last word in an argument. Anything a man says after that is the start of a new argument.” The best advice I can give you is to walk away, and don’t keep running your mouth. It doesn’t just make things bad, it escalates from something you can talk about later to pure unadulterated hatred. It is like throwing a 5000 gallon tank of gasoline on a small camp fire….. i.e. BAD DECISION!!!!!!!!

 

In my case, there is no excuse. I just simply messed up. I kept on talking when I should have just walked away. Sometimes you just have to take the beating. There is nothing you can say or do. You are not going to be right, even when you are right. You can do everything perfect, and it doesn’t matter. In my case, I cleaned the house so she could just relax today. Did it help? Probably…..Instead, this morning I wanted to talk and that was just not acceptable (especially since it was her only day off this week). By our own natural instincts, men want to fix things, but when it comes to woman,  it takes time. Men have an off and on button. We can just let things go with in the next 10 minutes if we just talk about it. Women do not work that way at all. They will bring up anything and everything to hurt you because they are hurting at that moment. It doesn’t make it right, and most of it is said in emotion. Stef has told me on more than one occasion to just walk away.  You would think I learned my lesson.

 

In the end, just admit you are wrong, Lord knows I put two feet, a trunk, and a wheelbarrow in my mouth. Always talk with love and compassion about an issue that is bothering you. I have to admit, it is a tough line to walk. If I am wrong I have no issues apologizing. So guess what….. I am sorry for not using good judgement, common sense, and rational behavior. Instead, I used poor judgement, talked like an ape, and looked like a piece a crap.

 

I will leave you with a quote from Clifford Adams, “Silence is never more golden than when a quarrel is brewing.”

 

As always, thank you honey for loving me, being patient, and showing restraint. I am a better man because of you. I love you.

 

 

 

 

 


Conflict Resolution or Conflict Management?

Let’s be honest, most people are afraid of conflict. The do not like the uneasy feeling that comes over them. They do not want to ruffle feathers or cause the other person to explode. Some people actually have to walk a very fine line to make sure their spouse does not flip out. People do just enough to move on to another day, and they never address the root of the issue. This is true in relationships, work environments, or war. Instead of resolving conflict, they chose to manage it by balancing beliefs, sanity, and self-control. It is not an easy thing to do, and it can take a toll on you.

What is conflict? The Coalition Foundation (2015) defines conflict as a “struggle or contest between people with opposing need, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals.”  Conflict results because there is some form of miscommunication between people with regards to opposing needs, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals. I think we all would agree, the biggest and most frustrating problem with conflict is miscommunication. We are stuck to our cell phones and emails more than ever, and it is extremely easy to be a “telephone tough guy” and say things that are condescending and degrading. In reality, text and emails have no voice. It is left to the reader to predict how the other person said what they sent. In their head, they think they know the tone of the writer, which couldn’t be further than the truth. I know I am guilty of this myself. However, when we talk face to face, the confrontation is greatly decreased because the tone is nothing like we thought.

The University of Peace (2005) defines conflict management as the effort to prevent the escalation of violence and its negative effects on conflict. USAID, “Training of Trainers Manual,” outlines several issues managers of conflict need to understand in order to properly implement conflict management principals. First, it is important to understand the underlying issues of the conflict. This provides direction and understanding for the stakeholders involved. In this context, it is necessary to examine the cultural background and experiences of the stakeholders to ensure neutrality. Second, there are different types of relationships which could occur during the process. Questions such as: Is there a connection? What type of alliance is there? What is the direction of power or influence? Are there broken relationships? Is there discord and why? In most conflicts power is the single most important element because it affects the dynamics of the relationships or conflict the most, and to successfully analyze and provide solutions, practitioners need to understand uses of power because it can be confusing.

In contrast, Miller and King (2005) define conflict management as an “interventionist effort to prevent conflict and violence,” while providing no structured method to resolve conflict. Instead, resolving conflict requires a flexible approach to finding a resolution to problems. Conflict management does not hold that all conflicts can be resolved. Instead, conflict management focuses on decreasing the level of non-productivity. This can be accomplished by having the skills needed to navigate into conflict resolution, including self-awareness about the conflict modes, understanding a variety of communications skills, and by establishing some form of structure to manage the conflict. Spangler (2003) believes conflict management is the control of deep-rooted conflict and resolution is possible if the right tools are applied. However, conflict management requires engaging in a manner that is “more constructive and less destructive.” The ultimate goal for any conflict is to intervene in such a way that makes the ongoing conflict “more beneficial and less damaging.” Best (2005) further believes conflict management is the process of reducing negativity through a variety of measures.

 

What does this mean?  Is managing conflict or resolving the conflict the right process for you and your circumstance. If you are in a relationship /marriage, I would highly suggest to pick and choose your battles. In my professional opinion, you must always be completely honest, and never speak out of emotion.  Conflict resolution is a must for major issues affecting the dynamics of the relationship and both parties’ feelings. Leave managing conflict for smaller items. While the ultimate goal is a win-win solution, the reality is it will not always occur.

 

In the end, there is no easy way to handle conflicts. Both parties’ must be willing to engage constructively. In relationships, both persons need to engage without emotion by setting boundaries. Some items may need to be tabled, so each person has time to think about things, then reengage at a later time. Ultimately, everyone wants to come away feeling like they had a hand in the decision making process.

 

 

 


Do Not Shut Me Out!

Besides financial problems, the single biggest problem in relationships is the inability to communicate. The inability to speak to your significant other about your feelings, concerns, and emotions is a huge problem. Weather you ask any relationship or religious expert, examine online resources, or read any library or text books, they will tell you active listening is paramount in resolving any conflict. If something is bothering your significant other enough to mention it, then you should take the time to listen. It doesn’t matter if they have mentioned it hundred times, obviously something is making them feel that way and the issues need to be readdressed. However, these issues need to be actively resolved and not pushed to the side.

 

What ends up happening is that if it continues to not be resolved, it continues to build up until neither party can resolve the issue because the situation has switched gears from conflict resolution to one of personal attacks. It is the total lack of communication by both people that end up causing the cycle to continue. Why? Because they are so involved in their own emotions that they are unable to see outside their sphere. They become blinded, deaf, and in the end, shut each other out while trying to make things better.

 

While you might be thinking that listening is an easy thing to do, in actuality, it is the hardest thing for a person to do. Many of us, including myself, take things personal. It is NOT personal, it is NOT an attack, and it is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. You must actually put things into action and not let things happen again. Do not shut the other person out when all they are trying to do is communicate with you in a respectful manner.

 

In the end, you chose each other. Be loving, understand, and kind. You only have each other, so take the time to resolve conflict the same way you love each other when things are wonderful. It will bring you closer together, create mutual happiness, and take the relationship to a whole new level.


Why Are We Here?

We are here because we chose to be here. We are here because we saw something good, pure, and honest. We are here because we chose to be together when we could have went our separate ways. We are here because we believe in each other, we support each other, and we love each other. We are here because we are a team. We are here because we believe no one could love us better. We are here because we are each other’s everything.

 

There is conflict all around us in every aspect of life. Every choice, decision, and action has consequences. The way we listen to the others concerns, and respond to their concerns can either bring you closer or widen the distance. You should want to know why the person feels the way they do, and take steps to make them feel more secure. Getting angry, belittling, or calling names is not the answer. It has the opposite effect.

 

Communication is critical because you have to make sure you are both on the same page. Your goals need to be aligned. Set 1, 3, and 5 year bench marks and make sure you revisit those goals often. Pay off your debt as a team. While you see the world from two different lenses, coming together as one to resolve issues breeds happiness and self-worth as stake holders in the bigger picture. It is not about you, it is about the other person. Compromising doesn’t mean you have given in to the other person. It means together you have created a win-win solution, meeting the needs for all parties involved. Moreover, it is about putting aside your pride, being humble, always being completely honest, and empathetic. The result are feelings of security, happiness, peace, satisfaction, and inspiration (Blackburn, n.d).

 

Relationships and marriages take work, but the rewards for your efforts are priceless. Positivity breeds positive thoughts, emotions, feelings, and a renewed since of being. Do not take each other for granted. Speak often about your feelings for one another. In the end, “Live, Love, & Laugh”.

 

 


Making the Most of Today

Today is a new day. The reset button has been hit just for you. No matter what the day before brought you, today is a fresh start. Today should bring you clarity, hope, and vision. Let go of yesterday, push forward, forgive one another, and love with all your heart. Holding on to the past brings resentment, anger in some cases, and negativity. Flip the switch, move forward and “live, laugh, and love” with the person in your life who will go through hell and back with you. In the end, they are the only one who truly loves you and whom you can trust. They are your rock.  Let them know how much you appreciate them,  and how much you love them.  It is a fresh start, a clean slate, so make the most of today and your life with them.


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