Tag Archives: international conflict

Controlling Relationships more thoughts..

Stef gave me some good feedback and I want to add to it. I always asked who, what, when, where, why, and how. I didn’t realize it was breaking her down emotionally and making her a miserable person. I never knew saying don’t do this or that was so bad. Most concerns are not really concerns because they are our own insecurities. 

I love her very much, and my actions reflect those changes I promised her. She is seeing a man on a mission everyday. I am finally her rock. She can count on me to love her the right way and take care of her and the family emotionally and financially. Thank you my love.


Fireproof

Yesterday showed me just how wrong I have been, when I thought I was actually right about everything. I genuinely thought in my mind I was doing everything, everyday the right way. I am faithful, loyal, committed, passionately in love with my bride, and I always do whatever I can for her in order to take the burden off her shoulders. Boy, was I wrong! Relationships take work, time, and commitment. Until you uncover the root cause of the issues you as an individual are facing, you will continue to have problems. I never thought I was the one who had problems. I just needed her to listen to my concerns. This was the wrong approach to take.

 

We watched Fireproof as a family. If you care at all about your marriage or your relationship, then it is a movie to watch. Moreover, there are online resources to utilize to help you in this journey. It is a very emotional process, and it makes you face tough issues, but is it the best thing out there for truly understanding how to love one another. It is for serious people who genuinely care about their significant other and their relationship. This is something you can do together, so throw your heart and soul into it, and never look back. I will always “study” her, and I will always do what I can every single day to show her how much I love her. The movie showed me that I never knew how to love myself, so how could I love her properly, if I couldn’t understand how to do so?

 

It is about faith and religion, and its application is geared towards whatever higher being you believe in. Additionally, I realized I cannot shoulder everything. I need guidance. While I thought I was doing everything in my power to meet her needs, I was failing in some aspects which were sensitive for us to discuss and probably the most important. Open and honest communication is necessary in any relationship, so put your pride aside, watch, actively listen, and put a plan into action together. This is a lifestyle change, not just a fix. You will see that both of you will reap the rewards by loving and growing with each other more than you ever thought possible.

 

As in all things I do, thank you for honey for loving me, being patient, and for all you do. This is for you and girls.


Why is there so much violence?

There is so much violence around the world and in the United States. I believe the very freedoms we enjoy are also the Achilles Heel of much of what we deal with. There has been a culture change and numbness to violence. While I use to believe video games and embedded journalism should have no restrictions placed on them, what I have come to realize that maybe they should. Our society is a very volatile one. We care more about proving a point than rallying together regardless of race, sex, or sexual orientation. We are a free society for a reason, but there comes responsibility with those very freedoms as well. Ownership, hold yourself accountable for your actions and inactions. Violence and threats solve nothing. The senseless killing of one another does nothing more than create more violence. It is so easy to pick up a gun and shoot someone rather than talk things through. Diplomacy and active listening are lost arts. People are more willing to jump to conclusions based on a lack of information than they are to hear what the other person has to say.

 

Even as a conflict resolution expert, I struggle with my own life. No one is perfect. Treat everyone as they want to be treated. Look past the color of skin, a uniform, and hearsay. Talk through problems. People are so quick to walk away from an issue or problem rather than giving everyone the opportunity to say what they need to say. People assume the worse in each other, when there is a lot of good in them as well.

 

It is more obvious now more than ever that each person has the ability to kill. However, we choose not too based on the norms of society, and based on rational thinking. Others, let their emotions get the best of them, and even when they are trying to prove a point they end up looking like babbling psychopaths. The extremism and radicalism of racial and religious divide in the world is out of control. Ignorance instead of tolerance is becoming the norm. People are unwilling to compromise and just agree to disagree. You may not agree with what the other person believes in or what they do in their lives, but it does not excuse you to use violence. Instead, it is an opportunity to learn more about an issue from a different perspective. Your way is not the only way, it is just a way. While some will argue violence is the only way to create change, I will argue that it is only a short term solution. Be a part of the solution, not a part of the problem. Most of the violence seen around the world is an excuse for criminals to be criminals, and they will look for any excuse or opportunity to create chaos and destruction. In the end, there is so much violence because people lack the coping skills to deal with sensitive issues, and they resort to violence in order to fill the void their knowledge, skills, and ability lack.

 

 


Emotions

There is a delicate line we must balance when dealing with our emotions. On one hand, the excitement and happiness we experience are feelings we never want to go away. Yet, the pain and suffering we experience are feelings we search for answers too. Some people do not wish the harsh reality of life on others, and there are some who wish for the very worst on others. Especially if they feel as though someone is responsible for those negative emotions.

 

Sometimes we forget just how powerful our emotions can be. They have the ability to consume us to our core, and they cause us to do things we usually would not do under normal circumstances. Look at any conflict and you will see how the emotions of each stake holder played a role in how the conflict was managed or resolved. It is about perspective, understanding, emotional control, acceptance, finding peace, and knowing our limitations.

 

Jim Camp, in an article titled, “Decisions are Emotional, Not Logical: The Neuroscience behind Decision Making” argues that emotions, not logic are the driving force in decision making. Negotiators are doomed to fail if they think facts, statistics, reason, and logic are going to win. These things are only one side of the conflict. You cannot tell someone what to think, how to feel, or what is best for them. Instead, you help them discover what is best for them, what feels right, and what gives them the most advantage. It is human nature that decision making be based on personal interest. Camp goes on to say that when we reveal the problems, pain, and unmet objectives can you start the healing or resolution process by helping them build a vision for themselves.

 

Emotions play a definitive role in our decision making process. Good or bad, these decisions can have dire consequences for those involved. Sometimes we need to take a step back and look at the over all picture, not just the immediate one, and think before acting. In the end, only you can control you, while other people may influence you, you are solely responsible for your actions or inaction’s.


Is violence a necessary part of international conflict?

Recently, I ran into an interesting debate about the field of conflict analysis & resolution. On one hand, we as peace practitioners are concerned with understanding the underlying issues of the conflict, examining them from unbiased perspectives, breaking them down to their core so we can expose all possible avenues of the conflict to those involved, and if we are lucky, we will take the information and provide multiple avenues of management or resolution. Safety and security are the number one priorities in any conflict analysis situation. However, there seems to be a stigma in our field that everything in conflict analysis and resolution must be based on the best practices of preserving peace and tranquility, the pictures of the 1969’s Woodstock, NY concerts come to many peoples mind. In my opinion, this undermines the true meaning of conflict analysis and the hard work many people in our field deal with everyday.

While many institutions preach the value of creating and sustaining peace, they fall short by not equally discussing that violence is necessary in some cases or at the very least, these institutions should provide a realist perspective to conflict. I am not condoning or suggesting any type of violence in the workplace, relationships, or any other forum to resolve conflict. I am saying there are people who must be eliminated for the common good. More specifically, extremist such as: Hitler and Osama Bin Laden. The reality is war and violence is sometimes necessary to ensure the safety and security of all stakeholders. This does NOT include or encourage any civil violence or civil disturbances, nor does it condone to take action into your on hands. Nor does it condone the violence against one another in developed worlds or in the United States like the violence we are seeing against police officers. This is murder, it does not solve problems, and it is ignorant for anyone to think other wise. However, from an international perspective, violence becomes a necessary extension of conflict management or resolution, i.e. against ISIL and ISIS.  While violence is usually considered to be the last option, there are times when it is the only option. It must be noted, violence alone does not solve problems, but when it is combined with other techniques it can be very useful. What would the United States look like today if we did not get involved during Word War II?

There are social and political issues that most governments are unable to meet, and these are the most basic human needs of the population, not to mention the psychological aspects that have long lasting effects, directly effecting the future actions of those involved if not addressed early. This is why many people turn to extremist because they have the ability to provide goods and services the government cannot provide. In his research, On Peace in Times of War: Resolving Violent Conflicts by Peaceful Means, written by Juergen Dedring, he discusses the problems associated with the use of modern day techniques. The problem lies not with our ability to resolve conflict, but it is the method by which we try to resolve or mange conflict. The modern problem solving approach is based on rational actors. When conflict has escalated to the point of the use of violence, it is involving non-rational actors. The modern approach utilizes a theory based approach without the practical application needed to fully understand the importance of the stakeholders.

As practitioners, we must be able to think outside the box, and form solutions based on what the stakeholders deem most important, not the practitioner. A theory is only as good as the application. There is no cookbook approach to conflict resolution, especially in regards to the use of violence. We must go further than trying to understand the conflict, its background, its roots, culture, and people. We must approach it from every angle possible to facilitate a solution. Remember it is not your conflict. The stakeholders want to be ones who come up with the solution, because they are the ones who understand its nuances best. They may have multiple resolution or management solutions, but they lack the ability to implement or understand how to best implement the solutions. In Iraq, Afghanistan, and the Balkans in the 90’s, violence is necessary in order to gain security and safety in order to start peaceful negotiations.

Academic institutions and practitioners should be honest when discussing conflict management and conflict resolution to their students. Regardless of the best intentions, peaceful negotiations may not always be in the best interest of those involved. While most programs believe firmly in the ability to resolve any conflict by non-violent means, it is not realistic, and it is not the world we live in. However, from an educational standpoint, it is important to discuss why violence should and should not be used. Weather or not you agree with war, if it were not for the men and women who put their lives in harms way everyday, you would not be enjoying the freedoms you take for granted.


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