She is the most incredible woman in the world. Her smile lights up my heart, her hugs bring comfort when I am having a bad day, and her kiss sweeps me off my feet. Her love is like nothing I have ever had in my life. She is smart, hard working, and beautiful inside and out. Today, I want you to know my love how much I appreciate you, and all you do. I love you.
Tag Archives: communication
There are those days that no matter what you do, you are going to be wrong. Let’s be honest, we all have had a bad day. You wake up grumpy and fussy, and no matter how well intended the actions of your spouse may be, you get more agitated. To make matters worse, we take them extremely personal, and it makes things even worse. It could be hormonal, insecurity, or just having a generally bad day.
Relationships are partnerships. You are committed to one another. You do not threaten one another, call names, or put each other down. Instead, you become the rock the other person needs. The most successful relationships have several common factors. Marissa Laliberte, author of 11 Signs You Can Trust Your Partner, believes you should be open and vulnerable. When you or your spouse are having a bad day, you just need to sit back and listen to them vent. No matter the topic, just listen. It seems as though active listening is a lost art form, and more couples are willing to give in and throw away their relationships.
Shaunti Feldhahn, social researcher and author of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages: The Little Things That Make a Big Difference, believes being able to be honest and open about your feelings is one of the biggest signs you can trust one another. When a person is allowed to express their feelings and concerns without judgement and without being put down, it brings you closer as a couple. “Openness and vulnerability in conversation—their willingness to really open up their heart and share what they’re really thinking, even if it puts them at risk for ridicule and being criticized for you—that is a scary thing in a lot of relationships.” “There’s trust if they’re willing to talk about things, give you details, sometimes share additional details, and have no hesitations,” says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, co-author of Snap Strategies for Couples: 40 Fast Fixes for Everyday Relationship Pitfalls. Go out of your way to put them at ease because it shows you care enough about them to put them first. They are a priority to you, and it is a significant show of intimacy.
If it hormonal………………………. GOOD LUCK! Nothing, and I mean nothing you do is going to be right. Just suck it up, and go above and beyond. Just say yes dear, I love you, how can I make your day better.
Study your spouse every day. Learn what their expectations are, and what makes them happy and sad. Be careful how you articulate things. Admit when you are wrong. If you make a mistake, big or small, just admit to it. It shows you are responsible. Furthermore, it shows you are not afraid to let the other person in, and it goes a long way to show you are not lying and hiding things.
If insecurity is a reason, then you have to work together and really take the extra step and let them know how much you love them. When you are driving or when you are not able to check your phone, ask your significant other to answer it, or check to see if there are any messages. It goes to show they can trust you because you have nothing to hide. You could switch phones for a week or two. It will go a long way to develop trust.
In the end, just be sympathetic. When we have a bad day, we say things we really do not mean. No need to take it personal, just make sure you apologize, and tell them how much you love them. Just ride it out, and remember tomorrow is a new day. There are no excuses, so take responsibility for your actions. Do something sweet and romantic for them to show them you care. Run a bath, fix dinner, candles, soft music, leave little notes or flowers. It is the little things that mean the most.
Let’s be honest, most people are afraid of conflict. The do not like the uneasy feeling that comes over them. They do not want to ruffle feathers or cause the other person to explode. Some people actually have to walk a very fine line to make sure their spouse does not flip out. People do just enough to move on to another day, and they never address the root of the issue. This is true in relationships, work environments, or war. Instead of resolving conflict, they chose to manage it by balancing beliefs, sanity, and self-control. It is not an easy thing to do, and it can take a toll on you.
What is conflict? The Coalition Foundation (2015) defines conflict as a “struggle or contest between people with opposing need, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals.” Conflict results because there is some form of miscommunication between people with regards to opposing needs, ideas, beliefs, values, or goals. I think we all would agree, the biggest and most frustrating problem with conflict is miscommunication. We are stuck to our cell phones and emails more than ever, and it is extremely easy to be a “telephone tough guy” and say things that are condescending and degrading. In reality, text and emails have no voice. It is left to the reader to predict how the other person said what they sent. In their head, they think they know the tone of the writer, which couldn’t be further than the truth. I know I am guilty of this myself. However, when we talk face to face, the confrontation is greatly decreased because the tone is nothing like we thought.
The University of Peace (2005) defines conflict management as the effort to prevent the escalation of violence and its negative effects on conflict. USAID, “Training of Trainers Manual,” outlines several issues managers of conflict need to understand in order to properly implement conflict management principals. First, it is important to understand the underlying issues of the conflict. This provides direction and understanding for the stakeholders involved. In this context, it is necessary to examine the cultural background and experiences of the stakeholders to ensure neutrality. Second, there are different types of relationships which could occur during the process. Questions such as: Is there a connection? What type of alliance is there? What is the direction of power or influence? Are there broken relationships? Is there discord and why? In most conflicts power is the single most important element because it affects the dynamics of the relationships or conflict the most, and to successfully analyze and provide solutions, practitioners need to understand uses of power because it can be confusing.
In contrast, Miller and King (2005) define conflict management as an “interventionist effort to prevent conflict and violence,” while providing no structured method to resolve conflict. Instead, resolving conflict requires a flexible approach to finding a resolution to problems. Conflict management does not hold that all conflicts can be resolved. Instead, conflict management focuses on decreasing the level of non-productivity. This can be accomplished by having the skills needed to navigate into conflict resolution, including self-awareness about the conflict modes, understanding a variety of communications skills, and by establishing some form of structure to manage the conflict. Spangler (2003) believes conflict management is the control of deep-rooted conflict and resolution is possible if the right tools are applied. However, conflict management requires engaging in a manner that is “more constructive and less destructive.” The ultimate goal for any conflict is to intervene in such a way that makes the ongoing conflict “more beneficial and less damaging.” Best (2005) further believes conflict management is the process of reducing negativity through a variety of measures.
What does this mean? Is managing conflict or resolving the conflict the right process for you and your circumstance. If you are in a relationship /marriage, I would highly suggest to pick and choose your battles. In my professional opinion, you must always be completely honest, and never speak out of emotion. Conflict resolution is a must for major issues affecting the dynamics of the relationship and both parties’ feelings. Leave managing conflict for smaller items. While the ultimate goal is a win-win solution, the reality is it will not always occur.
In the end, there is no easy way to handle conflicts. Both parties’ must be willing to engage constructively. In relationships, both persons need to engage without emotion by setting boundaries. Some items may need to be tabled, so each person has time to think about things, then reengage at a later time. Ultimately, everyone wants to come away feeling like they had a hand in the decision making process.
Life is a tough road, so when it seems to be falling apart we tend to ask ourselves why me? There ups and down, personal challenges, adversity, family and professional issues, relationships, health concerns, and financial issues. Now add terminal illness, losing a job or loved one, and the weight can be too heavy for some.
There is a problem with asking why and how. On one hand, if you are like me, I seek answers through questions. I try to find understanding, direction, and resolution with these words. When things are going bad, I can usually find the cause or root of the situation by asking myself why or how. They provide a roadmap for what has happened. I am able to find clarity by tracing my foot steps and the events that led up to the current situation. On the other hand, it can be seen as a form of interrogation. I am a firm believer if you have nothing to hide, then these are simple questions. Others believe there is no need to ask questions if you fully trust the other person. Find the reassurance you need, and move forward by providing what the other needs respectfully. A solution produced by both people are equally rewarding.
How ands why can help you find direction and resolution as it prevents mistake from happening again. It narrows your focus and minimizes distractions that could lead you down that road again. I have probably made more mistakes than most during my life. When I asked myself why and how, I was able to change the behaviors rapidly. I finally understood what was going on and why. Moreover, I was able to finally be the man I always wanted to be. I didn’t blame anyone else for my misfortune. I took responsibility for my actions and made drastic changes. This occurred in two instances: improving the kind of person I was and financially.
What most people forget when things go bad is they usually could have prevented what just occurred. We can control most of the things in our lives, but we still make bad choices and bad decisions. We learn from our mistakes in most cases, but there is a small handful of people that continue the vicious cycle because they lack the motivation to change. You cannot dwell or beat yourself up about things you cannot control, i.e. loss of a loved one or terminal illness. This is easier said than done I know. I lost my Grandmother and my best friend within 3 months of each other.
In the end, why and how are powerful questions. They can provide you with options, understanding, and freedom. Do not use them as an interrogation tool, rather for understanding and clarity. You may need to reword what you are asking when talking to a loved one. Always seek to be better than the day before. Always seek to love better than the day before.
Insecurity in relationships can have devastating and long lasting effects. When we allow our emotions to control our mouths, we have lost control, and a downward spiral begins. I call this diarrhea of the mouth. We have become so obsessed with something we “think” is going on, moving from a place of reality, to a fantasy world filled with the demons we place in them, that we lose sight of what is really going on. In most cases, nothing. The mind is a very strong and powerful thing. It tends to take control, and it gets the best of us when we allow it.
The following explores the top reason why this occurs. The top reasons I found were a lack of confidence, fear of judgement, and past experiences. While we would like to believe the world is touchy feely, in reality, it is a very harsh and unforgiving place. People lack confidence because of the things they have experienced. People can be cruel. Not everyone is blessed with a perfect smile, shape, money, or outgoing personality. Many people do not know how to overcome these issues either, so when insecurity strikes, it hits with the force of a tornado, total chaos and loss of control.
Fear of judgement has its own issues. People tend to fail to act because they are afraid of what others might think. Because they fail to try, they never know what they are capable of doing. In other words, they never reach their true potential, find their true calling in life, or meet the person who is out there for them. Every person is judgmental because we come from different backgrounds, cultures, and family beliefs. These things shape what we believe and how we act.
Our past experiences play a role in our insecurity. If we have hurt someone in the past, then, we are afraid they will do it to us. Trust in any relationship is paramount. Let me be clear. Cheating is cheating. Mentally, emotionally, or physically, they are all considered cheating. Texting or talking in a manner less than professional to someone of the opposite sex is not acceptable. In every situation, be respectful to your spouse and their feelings. This will increase their level of trust in you, and it will greatly decrease their level of insecurity.
I believe lacking confidence, fear of judgement, and past experiences are interconnected. If you have one, you have all three, but that is just my opinion. Personally. I have always had a problem with confidence. My other half would greatly disagree, but it is the truth. I was never in the popular crowd, I grew up poor, and I was an introvert. It took at least 23 years to reverse it, but it came with a price. Each one of us has our own demons, we just have to find a way to deal with them so insecurity doesn’t take over.
In the end, there is no easy fix. It take time, hard work, and understanding of the underlying causes of being insecure. There is no cook book why to fix it. Each person knows themselves better than anyone else. Think about your life and why you feel insecure. Then, take constructive action to fix it. Not every day is going to be easy, so confide in someone you can trust. Let them provide feedback, and utilize it to your advantage so you can grow as a person. In regards to relationships, if one is insecure, take the time to listen, and work on it together. Reassurance is an amazing thing. Be thoughtful, compassionate, and understanding, as this will serve you both well, drawing you closer to each other, diminishing the fear if insecurity.
Tomorrow is a one of the most special days of the year, Mother’s Day. I would like to pay tribute to my mom and my better half.
I want to take this time to tell you how thankful I am you are my mother. You are an inspiration to me. I have always said if I could be a ¼ of the parent you have been to me, I would be a success. You worked three jobs to put me through school, you sacrificed more than any parent should have too, and you have been supportive my entire life.
You ask for nothing, expect nothing, and I often wonder why. As I have grown older what I have realized is what you have done the last 45 years wasn’t easy at all. While I have accomplished a lot of things in my life to make you proud of me, my greatest accomplishment didn’t occur until 10 plus months ago when I transformed from a boy to a man. Many people may laugh at that statement, but I never took responsibility or accountability for my actions outside of doing my job. I was selfish, and I didn’t appreciate the things in my life. YOU always stood firm in your beliefs, and you gave me words of encouragement when I was down. Though you may have judged me, you never let me know it. Instead, you helped me grow at my own pace, even though it took half a life time.
On this Mother’s Day I want you to know I love you. Thank you so much for all you have done for me my entire life. Thank you for the hard work and patience you have shown me. I know I am difficult, but I want you to know you are the best mom in the world. This day is for you and about you. I hope I have made you proud of me, and I hope you have the Happiest Mother’s Day to date.
My Beautiful Bride
Wow! You have shown me so much. This day is all about you. You continue to amaze me every day. I have grown to enjoy life because of the things you have shown me. I am so proud of you and the things you have accomplished in life. You are without a doubt the best woman this world has ever seen.
You are a survivalist in many aspects. From rich to poor and everything in between, you have made and continue to make sacrifices for the family. Your love and affection for us and life is something I could never put into words. I am the luckiest man in the world, and I never take one second, or one minute of my life with you for granted. Thank you for loving me, thank you for believing in me, thank you for your encouragement, thank you for your patience when I had none, but most importantly, thank you for all the sacrifices you have made and for showing me what life has to offer. You have shown me life is about family, and I will spend the rest of this life and the next showing you how much I love you. I will always take care of you and the kids.
You have raised the kids the best possible way you know how. I know at times you have doubts, put them aside, you are a great mother. You have went without food so they could eat, you have bought them clothes, while you get yourself nothing, and you have juggled bills, so they could have more. Sacrifice is what it’s all about. You are a shining example for other mothers around the globe. You set the standard and raise the bar. You love and cherish every ball game and car ride to school, and you make sure they are well fed and taken care of every day. It is not about money. Instead, it is about love and devotion. They will remember that longer than any vacation or shining new toy.
On this Mother’s Day… know this, I love you and everything about you. I will spend the rest of my life learning more about you and falling in love with you again and again. Take this day and relax, do nothing, and know that all your sacrifices were worth it. I love you.
In the end, Mother’s Day is a day for mothers. However, their tireless efforts continue every single day, sick or injured, they are ready for battle. No one messes with a mom because they are a bad-ass. No weapon, animal, or human will ever come between a mother and their children. Thank you for all you do every day moms, and thank you for holding your heads high, pushing forward, and proving to all of us, women are much more powerful then men will ever be. God Bless.