Tag Archives: accountability

Why? / How?

Life is a tough road, so when it seems to be falling apart we tend to ask ourselves why me? There ups and down, personal challenges, adversity, family and professional issues, relationships, health concerns, and financial issues. Now add terminal illness, losing a job or loved one, and the weight can be too heavy for some.

There is a problem with asking why and how. On one hand, if you are like me, I seek answers through questions. I try to find understanding, direction, and resolution with these words. When things are going bad, I can usually find the cause or root of the situation by asking myself why or how. They provide a roadmap for what has happened. I am able to find clarity by tracing my foot steps and the events that led up to the current situation. On the other hand, it can be seen as a form of interrogation. I am a firm believer if you have nothing to hide, then these are simple questions. Others believe there is no need to ask questions if you fully trust the other person. Find the reassurance you need, and move forward by providing what the other needs respectfully. A solution produced by both people are equally rewarding.

How ands why can help you find direction and resolution as it prevents mistake from happening again. It narrows your focus and minimizes distractions that could lead you down that road again. I have probably made more mistakes than most during my life. When I asked myself why and how, I was able to change the behaviors rapidly. I finally understood what was going on and why. Moreover, I was able to finally be the man I always wanted to be. I didn’t blame anyone else for my misfortune. I took responsibility for my actions and made drastic changes. This occurred in two instances: improving the kind of person I was and financially.

What most people forget when things go bad is they usually could have prevented what just occurred. We can control most of the things in our lives, but we still make bad choices and bad decisions. We learn from our mistakes in most cases, but there is a small handful of people that continue the vicious cycle because they lack the motivation to change. You cannot dwell or beat yourself up about things you cannot control, i.e. loss of a loved one or terminal illness. This is easier said than done I know. I lost my Grandmother and my best friend within 3 months of each other.

In the end, why and how are powerful questions. They can provide you with options, understanding, and freedom. Do not use them as an interrogation tool, rather for understanding and clarity. You may need to reword what you are asking when talking to a loved one. Always seek to be better than the day before. Always seek to love better than the day before.


Insecurity

Insecurity in relationships can have devastating and long lasting effects. When we allow our emotions to control our mouths, we have lost control, and a downward spiral begins. I call this diarrhea of the mouth. We have become so obsessed with something we “think” is going on, moving from a place of reality, to a fantasy world filled with the demons we place in them, that we lose sight of what is really going on. In most cases, nothing. The mind is a very strong and powerful thing. It tends to take control, and it gets the best of us when we allow it.

The following explores the top reason why this occurs. The top reasons I found were a lack of confidence, fear of judgement, and past experiences. While we would like to believe the world is touchy feely, in reality, it is a very harsh and unforgiving place. People lack confidence because of the things they have experienced. People can be cruel. Not everyone is blessed with a perfect smile, shape, money, or outgoing personality. Many people do not know how to overcome these issues either, so when insecurity strikes, it hits with the force of a tornado, total chaos and loss of control.

Fear of judgement has its own issues. People tend to fail to act because they are afraid of what others might think. Because they fail to try, they never know what they are capable of doing. In other words, they never reach their true potential, find their true calling in life, or meet the person who is out there for them. Every person is judgmental because we come from different backgrounds, cultures, and family beliefs. These things shape what we believe and how we act.

Our past experiences play a role in our insecurity. If we have hurt someone in the past, then, we are afraid they will do it to us. Trust in any relationship is paramount. Let me be clear. Cheating is cheating. Mentally, emotionally, or physically, they are all considered cheating. Texting or talking in a manner less than professional to someone of the opposite sex is not acceptable. In every situation, be respectful to your spouse and their feelings. This will increase their level of trust in you, and it will greatly decrease their level of insecurity.

I believe lacking confidence, fear of judgement, and past experiences are interconnected. If you have one, you have all three, but that is just my opinion. Personally. I have always had a problem with confidence. My other half would greatly disagree, but it is the truth. I was never in the popular crowd, I grew up poor, and I was an introvert. It took at least 23 years to reverse it, but it came with a price. Each one of us has our own demons, we just have to find a way to deal with them so insecurity doesn’t take over.

In the end, there is no easy fix. It take time, hard work, and understanding of the underlying causes of being insecure. There is no cook book why to fix it. Each person knows themselves better than anyone else. Think about your life and why you feel insecure. Then, take constructive action to fix it. Not every day is going to be easy, so confide in someone you can trust. Let them provide feedback, and utilize it to your advantage so you can grow as a person. In regards to relationships, if one is insecure, take the time to listen, and work on it together. Reassurance is an amazing thing. Be thoughtful, compassionate, and understanding, as this will serve you both well, drawing you closer to each other, diminishing the fear if insecurity.

 


My Beautiful Bride

There is nothing more special or emotional to me than my beautiful bride. My fiancé and I have been through hell and back, but we are still together. We have both made mistakes, taken full responsibility for our actions, and we decided it was time to grow up and commit ourselves to each other. When we allowed ourselves to become vulnerable, fully committed, and unguarded, something happened. We started to fall in love with one another, and we never looked back. We are committed to our future together, and we see an amazing future with one another.

 

In a few months, I will be lucky enough to marry my best friend. I have come full circle, embracing family and cherishing every second I have with this incredible woman. I decided to write this article because of an article I read in which an elderly male continued to introduce his wife as his beautiful bride, even after the many years they had been married. I could actually see this man looking at his wife with the same intensity he did the first time he ever saw her. In other words, every day is like the first date in his mind. He falls in love with her over and over again long after the wedding, honeymoon, kids, grand kids, and great grand kids.

 

What I find most fascinating about the process of life is that we are constantly evolving individually and as a couple. Age and kids bring changes in our body and minds. People are all too quick to give up at the first sign of adversity. I have wasted a lot of years of my life no doubt. I know I will always be there for her when she having a bad day or good day, when she is sick or injured, when she needs support, loses a family member, or just needs reassurance that things will be alright.

 

You see, for those of you who do not believe in fairy tales, they do come true. It is all about giving your all every day. Looking year after year at the one person you are committed too and saying thank you for loving me and thank you for making me a better person. No matter what happens in this life or the next, I know my beautiful bride will always love me, and I know I will always be there for her as well. She deserves the best from me, and she will get nothing less than the best.

 

In the end, relationships take effort, so put in the work, reap the rewards, and love each other every minute and never look back.

 


Do Not Shut Me Out!

Besides financial problems, the single biggest problem in relationships is the inability to communicate. The inability to speak to your significant other about your feelings, concerns, and emotions is a huge problem. Weather you ask any relationship or religious expert, examine online resources, or read any library or text books, they will tell you active listening is paramount in resolving any conflict. If something is bothering your significant other enough to mention it, then you should take the time to listen. It doesn’t matter if they have mentioned it hundred times, obviously something is making them feel that way and the issues need to be readdressed. However, these issues need to be actively resolved and not pushed to the side.

 

What ends up happening is that if it continues to not be resolved, it continues to build up until neither party can resolve the issue because the situation has switched gears from conflict resolution to one of personal attacks. It is the total lack of communication by both people that end up causing the cycle to continue. Why? Because they are so involved in their own emotions that they are unable to see outside their sphere. They become blinded, deaf, and in the end, shut each other out while trying to make things better.

 

While you might be thinking that listening is an easy thing to do, in actuality, it is the hardest thing for a person to do. Many of us, including myself, take things personal. It is NOT personal, it is NOT an attack, and it is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone. You must actually put things into action and not let things happen again. Do not shut the other person out when all they are trying to do is communicate with you in a respectful manner.

 

In the end, you chose each other. Be loving, understand, and kind. You only have each other, so take the time to resolve conflict the same way you love each other when things are wonderful. It will bring you closer together, create mutual happiness, and take the relationship to a whole new level.


Why Are We Here?

We are here because we chose to be here. We are here because we saw something good, pure, and honest. We are here because we chose to be together when we could have went our separate ways. We are here because we believe in each other, we support each other, and we love each other. We are here because we are a team. We are here because we believe no one could love us better. We are here because we are each other’s everything.

 

There is conflict all around us in every aspect of life. Every choice, decision, and action has consequences. The way we listen to the others concerns, and respond to their concerns can either bring you closer or widen the distance. You should want to know why the person feels the way they do, and take steps to make them feel more secure. Getting angry, belittling, or calling names is not the answer. It has the opposite effect.

 

Communication is critical because you have to make sure you are both on the same page. Your goals need to be aligned. Set 1, 3, and 5 year bench marks and make sure you revisit those goals often. Pay off your debt as a team. While you see the world from two different lenses, coming together as one to resolve issues breeds happiness and self-worth as stake holders in the bigger picture. It is not about you, it is about the other person. Compromising doesn’t mean you have given in to the other person. It means together you have created a win-win solution, meeting the needs for all parties involved. Moreover, it is about putting aside your pride, being humble, always being completely honest, and empathetic. The result are feelings of security, happiness, peace, satisfaction, and inspiration (Blackburn, n.d).

 

Relationships and marriages take work, but the rewards for your efforts are priceless. Positivity breeds positive thoughts, emotions, feelings, and a renewed since of being. Do not take each other for granted. Speak often about your feelings for one another. In the end, “Live, Love, & Laugh”.

 

 


Fireproof

Yesterday showed me just how wrong I have been, when I thought I was actually right about everything. I genuinely thought in my mind I was doing everything, everyday the right way. I am faithful, loyal, committed, passionately in love with my bride, and I always do whatever I can for her in order to take the burden off her shoulders. Boy, was I wrong! Relationships take work, time, and commitment. Until you uncover the root cause of the issues you as an individual are facing, you will continue to have problems. I never thought I was the one who had problems. I just needed her to listen to my concerns. This was the wrong approach to take.

 

We watched Fireproof as a family. If you care at all about your marriage or your relationship, then it is a movie to watch. Moreover, there are online resources to utilize to help you in this journey. It is a very emotional process, and it makes you face tough issues, but is it the best thing out there for truly understanding how to love one another. It is for serious people who genuinely care about their significant other and their relationship. This is something you can do together, so throw your heart and soul into it, and never look back. I will always “study” her, and I will always do what I can every single day to show her how much I love her. The movie showed me that I never knew how to love myself, so how could I love her properly, if I couldn’t understand how to do so?

 

It is about faith and religion, and its application is geared towards whatever higher being you believe in. Additionally, I realized I cannot shoulder everything. I need guidance. While I thought I was doing everything in my power to meet her needs, I was failing in some aspects which were sensitive for us to discuss and probably the most important. Open and honest communication is necessary in any relationship, so put your pride aside, watch, actively listen, and put a plan into action together. This is a lifestyle change, not just a fix. You will see that both of you will reap the rewards by loving and growing with each other more than you ever thought possible.

 

As in all things I do, thank you for honey for loving me, being patient, and for all you do. This is for you and girls.


New Year and a Fresh Start

Many people look at the beginning of the year as a catalyst to start over. It is an opportunity to accomplish things that were not done the year before. Many people want to get into better shape, eat better, become financially sound, accomplish certain resolutions, or just be a better person. Whatever your reason, do not let anyone deter you from accomplishing your goals. You are older, wiser, and savvier than the year before. Try looking at things from a different perspective, love with all your heart, and live life to the fullest with people who love you the most. The past is just that, the past, and it is the past for a reason. Learn from your mistakes, correct the worse things about yourself, and be proactive instead of reactive. Constantly putting stuff off accomplishes nothing, so have the discipline and vision to get things done. Constantly hold yourself accountable, admit when you are wrong, and work on your communication skills. Exercise, eat right, find emotional stability within yourself, and feed your brain with knowledge. Do not let failure get in your way. Instead, embrace it. Push forward over any speed bumps, and surround yourself with people you trust and who will encourage you. Negativity is the root of failure. Constantly strive to distance yourself from those things that will prevent you from accomplishing your goals. In the end, each second wasted is a second of your life you will never get back again.


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